all i will ever hate,is me.

no one knows how i feel and go through everyday.its not that they don't care,they just can't seem to understand.i don't blame them,because not even my family understands me.my birthday wish didn't come true at all,things never change for the better.i just really really hope that my brothers start thinking! i have been suffering for so many years for them,and my mum.my dad? he knows nothing about the family. he don't even bother to find out. i can't understand him.he tries talking to us,but the things are those we never bother to talk about. he knows it,i just can't understand why is it that hard to sit down and ask us about what we want,our future plans,what we are doing? am i the only one who thinks that fathers are supposed to be doing this?why am i the only person in the family who is actually doing something to keep us as a family?
i did whatever i could do,you know? i always talk to my mum,coz i know she needs company and help,she don't go out with friends often or shop at all, so i try to buy things for her and talk about anything in the world to keep our bond.all she thinks about is money,and i cannot blame her because of the situation she is in. i love my mum,she is the only one with real brains in the house. at least she thinks well,but not when it comes to my brothers. she keep foreseeing them being very good in the future and that future just seems further and further away.my brothers are constantly in dreamland and cyber world,they never wake up to reality.my dad...i seriously don't know what to say about him. i guess our talks are mainly on the increasingly expensive bills,his weird cooking skills and TV shows. we don't really talk that much. i feel irritated when he opens his mouth, i just can't help but think that i have a father who don't give a damn about us.when my brothers smoke,he shouts at them with words you never want to hear and even fights with them.after a few days,everything just seem to be back in normal.you get what i mean? his solutions are temporarily,not one of them falls into the permanent category.he don't even care about himself much,so don't even talk about us.he just make sure that we don't die.his way of caring is thin.the things he cared for are not the things i want him to. i just.....i am so tired of all these.......he used to be the best dad and i used to be really happy. what went wrong???
i hate myself for all these things.maybe if i was more hardworking and clever,my family would be in a better situation,and maybe i will be satisfied with what i have, and i will be happy.