FINE

i promise! i promise not to be bothered and care so much! you happy now?

ladies night

this is the pic jere took while he is on stage and us below....ugly man....

decided to take shan clubbing since she has never been to one before.the people who went with us were chang yuh and jeremey. jeremey has complimentary tickets so chang yuh's entry was supposed to be free,and we thought that we were supposed to be going to zouk. but that stupid gong kia,seemed to imagined the tickets belong to Zouk coz it belongs to saint james power station.we only know about it when we were all out of the house. i was like "thanks ar".
we thought we would be having a car,thus we should not be spending much.BUT!!! ah yuh couldn't get the car.T-T and i have to wear that outfit and take a train???!! i just feel really really weird....(maybe i am just not used to it)
anyway skip all those long and unwanted details of our sad journey.
we arrived there at around 10.45,and well there was not a line,nor a crowd in the place.we were given 5 coupons(drinks)(shan and me),jere and yuh had only two(lol).
so we sort of shared our coupons. well everyone knows me, as long as there is good music, i will get high.i don't really need alcohol to get the extra jab to dance.shan says that i know how to "zhi high",so i don't need to drink,which is pretty true.hahaha...shan and jere needed the giddy feeling to dance,they sort of gulped down the drinks,well, i gulped coz i am thirsty,the only effect i get from alcohol,is heat and redness,thats it. high? sorry i don't really think so.jere got EXTREMELY high and went to dance on the stage himself coz non of us wanted to join in.in the end i got pulled up by him and gain a blue black on my right thigh....the idiot...we dance and dance till two and i decided that we should get a bite coz my stomach was rumbling. we ate our hotdogs and talked about....eh... don't think i should say it here,in case one of them reads it.lol...think i leaked something out.anyway we had a fun time and shared cab home.ah yuh stayed with jere coz the of the cab fares(exp!)it was a pretty good night and jere said" we should do this once a month".hmmm... we shall see eh??(although i replied him "twice") if i have time and money,why not??(maybe la maybe)haha...!

all i will ever hate,is me.

no one knows how i feel and go through everyday.its not that they don't care,they just can't seem to understand.i don't blame them,because not even my family understands me.my birthday wish didn't come true at all,things never change for the better.i just really really hope that my brothers start thinking! i have been suffering for so many years for them,and my mum.my dad? he knows nothing about the family. he don't even bother to find out. i can't understand him.he tries talking to us,but the things are those we never bother to talk about. he knows it,i just can't understand why is it that hard to sit down and ask us about what we want,our future plans,what we are doing? am i the only one who thinks that fathers are supposed to be doing this?why am i the only person in the family who is actually doing something to keep us as a family?
i did whatever i could do,you know? i always talk to my mum,coz i know she needs company and help,she don't go out with friends often or shop at all, so i try to buy things for her and talk about anything in the world to keep our bond.all she thinks about is money,and i cannot blame her because of the situation she is in. i love my mum,she is the only one with real brains in the house. at least she thinks well,but not when it comes to my brothers. she keep foreseeing them being very good in the future and that future just seems further and further away.my brothers are constantly in dreamland and cyber world,they never wake up to reality.my dad...i seriously don't know what to say about him. i guess our talks are mainly on the increasingly expensive bills,his weird cooking skills and TV shows. we don't really talk that much. i feel irritated when he opens his mouth, i just can't help but think that i have a father who don't give a damn about us.when my brothers smoke,he shouts at them with words you never want to hear and even fights with them.after a few days,everything just seem to be back in normal.you get what i mean? his solutions are temporarily,not one of them falls into the permanent category.he don't even care about himself much,so don't even talk about us.he just make sure that we don't die.his way of caring is thin.the things he cared for are not the things i want him to. i just.....i am so tired of all these.......he used to be the best dad and i used to be really happy. what went wrong???
i hate myself for all these things.maybe if i was more hardworking and clever,my family would be in a better situation,and maybe i will be satisfied with what i have, and i will be happy.

freedom writers

i have to say its one of the best movies i have seen. the teacher in the movie is brilliant. she does know how to communicate with her students and does many things for her students. she treats every single student like her own children. i would want a teacher like her too!
well, the story is mainly about this new teacher who wants to teach in a place called the long beach. this is place is pretty well known for racial riots and blah blah blah. the people there form gangs to protect themselves. everyday,they would have to face their enemies,who beat them up and kill them for the color of their skin...mainly he differences between them. they do not understand what harmony truly is,they have not seen it before. Miss G comes into the picture and tries to settle it all. as usual she faces lots of problems. the staffs in the school were unsupportive as they did not believe or rather like the problematic students. they just leave them to rot away.there were other problems too. the students did not believe in her,for she is a stranger and never seen such racial riots happen before her eyes,whats more,she is just a teacher,a new one.
the movie shows how she manage to enter the hearts of the students and how her marriage fell apart.its really nice and very realistic.it brings light upon people who thought that America is a 'nice' country. they have problems too,its just that we are not that observant and we are not their people.
if you think that your life sucks,coz its boring and that you are poor or whatever it is that makes you miserable. please watch the movie,they are still not the worst you have seen. their lives might make you feel you are way better than me,it can also show how naive and silly you are.
and here are the videos!!!(my trip)

these are the people in the trip and more below.=)



love the otters~! they are so cute!
will upload more when i have the time.now i wanna watch movies.hohoho..=D

i'm weak...only for now

i am back from sarawak and running a small fever.just five days and i am already sick,wonder if i decided to stay elsewhere permanent,would it cause my death?haha...i still need my mum,she is great in taking care of me as i do not know how to take care of myself(was told so).
i just think i am really weak,not only my immunity system but also in many other things.there will be a limit to my weakness, i promised myself that. and i will have to know when to be as strong as i am supposed to be.no matter what others think of me, i will still do it.coz, there is just no place for me to fall, i can only stop in my tracks or keep moving on. it is just impossible for me to stop forever right?i cannot and will not collapse, i will not be WEAK!
the last quarter is here, and i will make it work.

third day in sarawak

brrrr.....its so cold in the hotel.this stupid internet access is EXPENSIVE but hey, i am not paying for it!LOL! well, i have been to quite many places these few days,the ride was not really enjoyable coz four of us are sitting behind and gosh,we needed space.
well, we have been to the crocodile farm,bako national reserve, damai beach resortS, the night market and the cultural village. money is leaking out real fast. i have already spent like 300 now.a ticket into the cultural village was like 60 for adults and 30 for students,but stupid trudy didn't bring her student ID,so she gotta pay the full amount and anderson is not a student at all ok.so we gotta share the amount that has to be paid.....hai.....no money sia...then the short boat ride to bako cost 94 dollars,even entering the park needed money.oh man...is there a place where money is not needed in this world??? i just hope there will be at least one nice place. the bad luck has been following me for some time here. its just SUAI man~! when we are on the boat to bako,it started drizzling and soon,it was pouring on us.wind plus the rain make me wet all the way,and they started blaming me coz i refuse to postpone the trip.it stop raining when we were in the jetty but started when we were like a few meters away from the jetty. i had the most of it recorded so i am gonna upload it in a few days time. my shirt from pull and bear have some pretty obvious alien colours on it now,coz my cap was red and the dye got into my shirt during the watery boat ride.well,it was a terrible and memorable experience. and its all thanks to me. i still think its fun but i don't think it will be for the rest. i am fine with anything but i don't think they will be la.
i have been eating good food all day,so lets just pray i don't get fat that soon ya?lol!

i need a heart of stone

i am not weak,stupid or silly.i know what is going on and the solution is crystal clear to me.its just that i have a huge problem with my heart,it never listens to my brain. maybe thats the answer to the unexpected palpitations i have.it makes me stupid,weak and very silly.(thats what you said i am)its not something i can changed,maybe after a heart transplant i might be good and well again.hahaha...i do treat this as a disease because its not something within my reach and control.no one can save me,thats sad,especially when i need a lot of 'external' help.tell me what to do...or maybe force me to do it,before i ever hurt myself again. you have been very good at it,you have been able to stop many things from happening,well except this. i just don't know what to do.leave it aside and wait for time to pass is just not my style. i can't wait for it to pass,you know what happens.
i need a heart of stone
so maybe i would need to be hurt again.

hai hai hai

think i am gonna die soon if i don't get some sleep......there is a hurricane running in my head..everything is s damn mixed up!sleep,brain!

lazy........

oh i am so damn lazy to blog......lol........my birthday was pretty good. gotten many presents from friends. thanks ar!lol..... shan gave me this weird looking dress which is not my type,but i accepted it,after all she took time to find it,though she and that cow's taste wasn't good...lol...i still take it coz its a present from my bestest friends. kai bought me a white bag from bugis,its cute.i like it =). abby gave me a branded hankie with his lip prints on it(huge turn off),because he gave me such an interesting accessory(he claims,exquisite),i decided to 'hong hui'(return it to him).jeremey sort of treat me to a meal and provided the birthday cake for dinner.lucien bought for me a necklace from perlin's silver,it looks really cute and reminds me of the candy my mum used to give me when i refused to play alone.thats a good and bad memory,lonely days.
seriously,i think i spend less than 10 dollars for a whole full day out in town. most of it,my 'mum'(kai) pay for me...i feel guilty....so i am gonna make sure his birthday,it will be my turn to spend!
AND YA!



THIS IS FOR RIXIAN and everyone else---->he lives in bukit batok not bukit timah!lol......see i clear the misunderstanding liao,no more unreal facts about you eh?and ya this fella only know my birthday on the day itself,still sms to ask if i gt work or not.lol....

decided!

i have decided i am gonna go get a trim tml. its way too messy! i can always ask alina if there is any birthday discounts.LOL! hohoho!
i had my lunch cum dinner at brewerks today with jere, shu, alvin and hui yun. it was damn fulfilling!i still feel its existence in my stomach.too much! we had mussels(delicious!),whitebait, and i ate forelamb shank, jere ate cowboy burger,shu ate white cod, huiyun ate ney york steak and alvin;rib-eye steak.sounds good eh?lol! OMG! i just love the mussels! if only i can get my hands on the recipe!this feast only cost me 16 dollars. judging from the size of my waist to my satisfied taste buds,i say its a really good deal! although my birthday is just a few hours away(i was born during midnight),i don't really feel excited or whatever.is it weird?tsk....i really don't know why i feel this way but 'whatever will be will be'.
arggghhhhh! my lips kept splitting! blood blood blood! all i taste is blood!ewww!cure it!
so tired, not gonna say more

blocked

i have already blocked him out of my life. i don't need anymore of this stuff.its unwanted and....i just think it should be out.good choice eh? saves me from trouble.